Thursday, 9 April 2015

Sex Talk: Why Married Couples Should Never Do Without SEX!

One of the reasons why marriage was instituted is to make room for morally acceptable sexual encounters with and only with your spouse.

The first two years of marriage is usually fun-filled with both partners enjoying sex with each other. The freedom they have as a newly-married couple is evident in the way they enjoy the warmth of each other’s body to a point of immeasurable satisfaction.

We know that not everyone wants sex all the time but when the spouse you are supposed to be sleeping with goes to sleep all the time without putting your sexual needs into consideration, then that might become a problem. All marriages go through dry spells, but it’s when couples have sex less than 10 times a year that it can be described as a “sexless marriage.” 

Sex doesn’t just stop happening in a marriage. It gradually changes from probably once in a week, to once in a month, then it becomes maybe once in three months. At the end of the year, you realize you’ve had sex less than 10 times all through.

Sexless marriage can be caused by several reasons- It may be due to the fact that one partner had his/her feelings hurt or got rejected too many times. This may make the partner feel inadequate or less confident; or it may be because one of the partners got too busy or neglectful, it may also be because a communication gap exists between both partners.

Another reason is child-bearing/rearing which begins to take part of the time they shared together. The resultant effect of this is that the woman (especially if she is a working/nursing mother) may be too tired to have sex.

 Different work schedules or busy lives on the part of one or both partners may also contribute to not having sex. Fatigue or exhaustion is a common cause of sexless marriage which can also arise from other causes, such as chronic fatigue syndrome.

 Marital conflicts or disagreements are a common cause of sexless marriages. A partner may feel that is the only weapon they could use to punish the other for a perceived wrongdoing.

Not having enough sex in marriage has become one of the major issues married people talk to me about. Listening to them makes me understand how lack of sex is very dangerous to the health of marriage. So many disadvantages are associated with not having sexual intimacy with your partner.

Listed below are the most common ones:

1.       Lack of sexual intimacy can be emotionally damaging: Not having sex with your partner is called sexual abandonment. Sexual abandonment in marriage brings about emotional abandonment which may lead to depression. When you refuse your spouse their right of intimacy with you, you make them feel worthless, unattractive, sad, incompetent and sometimes useless. They end up being unhappy throughout their entire day. Marriage should never be a place where we make our significant other worthless by denying them sexual intimacy.

2.       Couples in sexless marriages are less happy than sexually active couples: The truth is that when couples have sex regularly, they are happier. They function better and relate with each other better. Sexual intimacy is one of the driving forces of a happy and healthy marriage. When sex is thrown out of the window, happiness in such marriage (if not careful), becomes automatically absent. Sex makes you feel wanted and attractive. When these feelings are present within you, you become happy with yourself. Studies have shown that women who have sex regularly usually have a particular glow on their faces which make them more beautiful than women who are sexually deprived.

3.       Lack of sex makes partners feel completely unattractive or less sexy: When you turn your partner down almost every time they make sexual advances towards you, you are invariably killing their self-esteem. They end up blaming themselves for your lack of affection. They feel completely unattractive and less sexy. This may push them into trying too hard to please you or make you want them. On the reverse, it may make them fall for another man/woman’s sexual advances and compliments and before they know it, they are cheating on you.

4.       Lack of sex pulls a couple apart: Believe it or not, lack of sex pulls a couple apart. Like I wrote in my book; “One Good Spouse Deserves Another”, sex is adults play time. It is when you learn about your spouse’s needs and try all your best to meet them. Though some couples fall asleep almost immediately after sex, some spend quality time cuddling and talking about how their day went or other things they plan to do in the near future. Couples who get on the bed and just roll to their individual sides without any sexual intimacy are depriving themselves of the closeness adequate sex brings. 

5.       Lack of sex can lead to separation or eventual divorce: Yes, you may think not having enough sex is not important enough for separation among couples but it actually is. Some couples I spoke with said they would rather divorce their spouse if their marriage becomes sexless, than cheat on them. The truth is the way at which we love sex differs (of course we were not created the same). Several married couples are with varying sex drives, this is not anyone’s fault, it’s just the way we are. In a situation where the difference in the sex drive of a couple is really prominent, they may find it very difficult to cope. The party that enjoys regular sex more, might begin to drift away from the uncooperative partner not because they wants to but because they have a huge sex drive that needs to be met. Not managing this issue adequately may lead to separation or eventual divorce.

 Let’s take a pause here……. I’ll be back with the concluding part which includes; how to manage/improve sexless marriages, the advantages of having sex regularly and why you should never stop having sex with your SPOUSE.

 Catch you all soon.

Bukola Oyetunji


Mmaduka Divinelove said...

Having sex with just your body without being mentally or emotionally involved can be energy draining which will make one even much unhappy! To me its slavery and barberic! Is it not better to just be without it rather than live as slaves to it?

Bukola Oyetunji said...

Dear Mmaduka,
Thank you for reading through and especially for dropping your comment.

Judging from your profile picture I assume you are a female so I would address you as such.

Generally, sex may become a big task when you are not emotionally or mentally involved.

For women, there are times sex become less pleasurable. Such as when pregnant, when nursing a baby and also when close to menopause. All these instances are because of some particular hormones at work.

However, the day you said 'I do' to your partner, you took an oath to honour him with your whole being which includes your body. Not complying means you are not being faithful to that oath.(Except of course you have very important reasons that your spouse understands).

As a married woman, it is never an option for you to be without sex except you and your spouse have a mutual understanding and agreement to stop being sexually intimate. If that is the case,; which is very rare, there may be no problems.

On the other hand, if one of the causes of low sex drive i mentioned above is the reason why you are not emotionally or mentally involved during sex, you have to communicate this with your partner. It is a phase and with time you will get over it. You sexual urge will return and everything will be back to the way it used to be. But remember, communicate with your spouse and plead with him to give you sometime to get out of it. Do not assume he should understand becuase this is not usually an easy thing for any partner to understand.

However, you need to prepare yourself psychologically enough to enjoy sex with your spouse. To do this, think of ways to satisfy him. Think less of yourself, it is a sacrifice married people pay atimes. If his happiness and satisfaaction is top on your mind, you would realise how easy it is to get on with the flow.
Note that i am not insisting you have sex with your spouse when you do not want to, all I am saying is that there should be some form of agreement between you both. Lack of this may be dangerous to the health of your marriage.

Hold hands, cuddle up, fondle him, give him all the attention he needs and be as loving as possible.

Also, remember that you can never be a slave when you have sex with your husband, you are simply performing your wifely duties.

Wish you all the strength you need.

Bukola Oyetunji.